Of Gnomes and Stolen Toes
by Llewellwyn Mephistopheles III
Summary: What happens when an angel loses one of his toes? He sends the Winchester Brothers to retrieve it, of course!


"Dean."

Dean looked up at Cas, the angel having just appeared. "Hey, Cas."

"Dean."

"Yeah?"

"My vessel… there is something wrong with it."

Dean stood, worry shooting though him. "What? What's wrong? Is Jimmy okay?"

"I believe he is well. But…"

"What?"

"It is my toe."

Dean blinked at Cas for a moment. "Your toe?"

"Yes. I believe it to be normal for humans to have ten toes."

"Yeah…?"

"It seems I have lost one."

Dean lost his voice for a moment. "Wait. You _lost_ one of your toes? A toe isn't something you can just lose, Cas."

"I did not lose it," the angel asserted. He was mildly offended by Dean's belief that his own negligence had resulted in his lost digit. "The gnomes took it."

"Gnomes," Dean deadpanned.

"Yes. They are nefarious creatures with a propensity for collecting body parts, as evidenced by my missing toe."

"Uh-huh. You're drunk, Cas. Go sleep it off."

"I am not intoxicated. I am missing a digit."

"Okay…" Dean ran a weary hand down his face, idly wondering if he was drunk himself. "What do you want me to do about it?"

"Retrieve it, of course."

"Dean, remind me, why are we out here again?" Sam asked.

Dean traipsed through the woods ahead of his brother, flashlight in hand and gun in the other. "Because of Cas."

"Right, because he lost his toe."

"Yup."

"You are aware how insane that sounds?"

"Oh yeah."

The brothers continued on. It was dark, a full moon hovering ominously over the tree tops. Somewhere in the distance bird calls echoed through the wood toward them. They forged ahead, looking for whatever signified a… gnome colony.

Dean stopped suddenly, his flashlight shining off into the distance. "Hey, you see that?"

"What?"

"There's something shiny up there." Dean wiggled the beam of his flashlight and something glittered in the trees ahead.

"Huh." Sam followed his brother.

The trees began to thin out, giving way to a clearing. Dean came to a halt once again, his flashlight trained on a mushroom. "That's a big mushroom," he said.

Sam stared at it. Something was very wrong. "Dean, that's not a real mushroom."

It was obscenely large, the ceramic cap garishly painted red with white polka dots. Beside it, a green one sat, accompanied by blue and orange. There were dozens of them, clumped together in cartoonish groups.

"Modern art?" Sam tried.

"I think we found the gnomes," Dean said.

The brothers walked further. A twig snapped to their left, then their right. Suddenly, the whispering of movement could be heard about them. The boys watched in horror as dozens of ceramic gnomes came waddling out of the trees. They stared up at the men with beady eyes, their tall pointed hats a rainbow of greens, reds and blues. Their ceramic boots clinked as they walked and their white beards moved as a mass.

"Well," Dean said, watching the gnomes. "Cas wasn't drunk."

"Oh god," Sam said, horrified.

As the brothers stood stymied, one of the gnomes came forward. His blue pointed hat perched jauntily upon his white haired head. He cleared his throat. "Gentlemen!"

The Winchester brothers were too amazed to speak.

"Gentlemen, I am Luciferous III, spokesperson of this faction of the wood gnomes. Why have you trespassed on our sacred grounds?"

"Uh, well, you stole our friend's toe," Dean began. "And I can't believe I'm talking to a gnome, but we'd like the toe back."

Sam nodded.

Luciferous III thought for a moment. "You will have to be more specific. We steal hundreds of toes."

_Hundreds? _"Cas, your toe better be worth it," Dean whispered. "Well, his name is Castiel. He's, uh… an angel of the lord?"

Luciferous nodded in understanding. "Of course, we remember. But we cannot simply give you the toe. We will need compensation."

"_Compensation?_" Dean parroted. "How much?"

"We require a female gnome. Our numbers are tragically dwindling and we—"

"Dude, too much information," Dean said, cutting off the gnome. "So, you want a female gnome? Like a… like a statue?"

"Yes. One that looks nice."

"Okay," Sam said. His eyebrows had long ago climbed up into his hairline. "Um, that's it?"

"Yes."

"Alright!" Dean clapped his hands and prepared to leave. "One female gnome, coming up!"

The two boys left the forest.

A day later they returned to the clearing. The gnomes met them once more.

"Do you have the female?" Luciferous asked.

"Uh, well, here's the bad news," Dean said. "We couldn't find you a female gnome. But we did find you a garden fairy."

Sam pulled the statue out of the Home Depot bag and placed it on the grass.

Dean continued. "And here's a lawn flamingo for extra incentive."

Luciferous stepped forward and examined the offerings. He nodded his gnomeish head once. "They are satisfactory. We shall accept them."

"Really?" Dean asked. He had been banking on the gnome's refusal.

"Yes. You have done well. Your friend will have his toe returned to him."

"Uh, thanks," Sam said. He turned and left, leaving Dean to follow.

Dean hung back for a moment, bending down to better talk to Luciferous. "Hey, uh, check inside the flamingo. I stuck some… interesting magazines… in there for you. You know, since you guys are so starved for women around here."

Luciferous nodded, extracting the issues of _Better Homes and Gardens_ from inside the flamingo. It was a special issue concentrating on lawn ornaments. Dean watched as the gnomes disappeared into the woods and jogged to catch up with Sam.

"Thank you, Dean," Cas said, wiggling his ten toes.

"Sure, Cas. Just do me one favor."

"Of course."

"No more gnomes."

"Of course."


End file.
